Novel       
2013—2020 


A carefully constructed sentence.




Unconsciously we exist in a circle — we live our whole lives inside that circle

‘Projection’ says maybe ‘you’ are not ‘you’ but ‘me’ — it can really put a dent in reality—what is concrete and not concrete

In the dictionary self-actualization is defined as the ability to achieve our true potential—but it doesn’t give any instructions on how.


I began to understand that I was female—that there were some restrictions...What do I want?—I want to be seen—which I usually mistake for falling in love.


A sentence should have no hesitation—each word is placed carefully next to each other and that proximity should ignite an action—a rhythm—it cannot be left to hang—if it is left to hang it returns to be defined years later when the increase of variables it more complex


Any small action must be observed


What we remember as real is based on how we last remembered it


I am size 5, please put that in the file

The pamphlet reads—“this is a representation of perception—we can only see some parts of our reality not all”

I am practicing being human—and I wake often trying to understand what this practice looks like.

“Did you expect the paradigm to shift?”— the structure of marriage is being pulled apart—there is a directional verb—I will not return—not in the way I was before—I can’t be this anymore.

STRANGE PERHAPS BECAUSE SO MUCH OF WHAT WE HAVE DONE FOR SO MANY YEARS IS ADVOCATE FOR OTHERS

who has the right of way—who must yield?

“Strange perhaps because so much of what we have done for the past many years is advocate for others—dangerous perhaps because once liberated from that mind set what happens to our world’s.” Stephanie Sears

It takes work and dedication to develop any skill—an internal drive— I know how much practice it takes—it involves single-mindedness—the same single mindedness that I applied to raising my children—to building my family—I apply this single-mindedness now— I start in an empty room—every room is an archive—a body is an archive — you must touch my skin to know what I know

“God is a handy thing”—my husband says as we stand in an old cathedral

“You could say it was god’s will—you weren’t responsible for your actions—simply lift your shoulders and say it’s god’s will”

“That would be nice”

“Do you understand what is occurring?”

I pick up a thin sliver of salmon—put it in my mouth

I am changing.

The stories we tell become who we are

“The dream reveals the reality, which conception lags behind. That is the horror of life—the terror of art.” Franz Kafka from Gustav fjanouch, conversations with Kafka